Rebecca Masterton

There are now some coaches on YouTube that are very helpful in advising on how to cope with an emotionally abusive parent. In the household of a covert malignant narcissistic parent, children get assigned roles: the scapegoat and the golden child. To save you wasted years of your life, you will never be able to escape the role that you have been assigned. Even if your narc parent were to destroy your life, she would still find a reason to blame you for something or other, and play the victim.

You have to go 'no contact' or at least minimise contact as much as possible (minimal contact still counts as maintaining silat al-rahm - just at a safe distance). You will not be validated or have your true self seen by your mother, because she is invested in invalidating you. Instead, you have gradually accept that she will never be the mother you wanted and needed, and start to find yourself again and build your own life and identity independently of her. Don't share anything with her about yourself. Keep your life separate and private. If you are still living at home, it would be advisable to work on physically separating yourself and leaving the home.

Here is one coach and therapist who is a survivor of abuse himself: https://www.youtube.com/@narcabusecoach

The speeches of Imam 'Ali (as) in al-Kafi are a great way to understand tawhid in the school of Ahl al-Bayt (as).

Allah qua Allah (Allah as He is in Himself) is absolutely transcendent, indefinable, eternal, and unknowable. Strictly speaking, He can never be known, because He transcends all conception.

Therefore, He makes Himself known through His Names and Atttributes.

Imam al-Sadiq (as) makes it clear that the Names and Attributes are merely indications of what Allah is; they are not Allah Himself.

Some scholars say that Allah's Attributes are not separate from Him, but neither are they Him. We can use an analogy for a person. We may say that they are 'kind' but their kindness is not essentially them in themselves, which remains hidden from everyone.

The Attributes are not 'things' they are just reflected, or revealed in creation.

Imam al-Sadiq (as) said, 'Do not worship the Attributes.' The Qur'an says that you can call upon Allah using them, however. Again, just as your friend's name is not him. You can call your friend, using his name, but his name is not his essential self.

The Names and Attributes are a 'means' by which we call upon Allah.

Therefore, when  making du'a, you can address Allah using any of His Names and Attributes, with the understanding that He in Himself transcends all of them and is not limited by them.

It is difficult to give recommendations without knowing the full circumstances of the case. It is advisable to get a senior scholar, or cleric, to meet with your parents and discuss the issue with them.

You may have heard the hadith that says that if a believer comes to ask for the hand of a young woman, and he is rejected for no Islamic reason, 'fitnah will spread on the earth.'

Cultural and family issues require sensitivity though. Your parents, and his parents need to be helped to overcome their fears. I knew of an English woman who married into a family and her mother-in-law initially threatened suicide, but after some years, all the other families in their community were saying that they wished they had a daughter-in-law like that English woman.

The Battle of the Camel took place the moment that Imam 'Ali (as) was voted in as caliph, approximately twenty-five years after the Holy Prophet (s) had passed away, so it would not have been possible for Imam 'Ali (as) to divorce 'A'isha from the Prophet (s).

Year of the Holy Prophet's (s) passing: 11 AH.

Year of the Battle of the Camel: 36 AH

There is not a lot of information in the resources about the women of the Ahl al-Bayt (as), but we can infer from understanding more about their context what some of their qualities were: they were of the politico-spiritual elite and supported the mission of Islam without putting a foot wrong. This must mean that they were both politically and spiritually knowledgeable. Sayyidah Zaynab (s) was trusted enough to teach in place of Imam al-Husayn (as) if he was not available.

Therefore, to be more like them we need to seek knowledge of Allah (swt): how He is understood Islamically and how we draw Him near to us as a friend; we need to seek wisdom and we need to understand what is wise behaviour. Islam recommends that we contemplate and reflect in order to deepen our understanding of everything, so regular moments of contemplation are recommended.

Understanding the context in which the women of the Ahl al-Bayt (as) lived can also help you to understand what role their played: what was society like in Late Antiquity and Arabia at that time? What changes to society did Islam bring?

It is good to combine a traditional reading of the Hadith and historical collections with academic studies to gain a fuller picture of how they managed to live under very difficult circumstances.
Platforms such as Academia.edu, JSTOR, Scribd, Internet Archive and Research.net can provide you with many free pdf books and papers.
 

As the Ahl al-bayt (as) have said: 'one hour's reflection is worth seventy years of worship', it is good to get into the practice of reflection: to reflect upon the phenomenon of existence first and foremost, and to strip away all concepts of yourself, your social situation, and just get right back to the fundamentals of you as a human being. What is a human being? What is this planet that has been created in this universe? What is that which has created all of this? What is consciousness and awareness?

There is a part of you that is 'other' than the you who you are in your social and political context. This part of you is detached from all of that, so frequent connection to the part of you that transcends the social and historical you can connect you to who you really are. Frequent reflection on who you really are is a good place to start.

Also, when it comes to challenges in life: reflect upon how you think and thought patterns that you have that may affect how you deal with those challenges.

Also, prepare from now for your journey to the next world. What do you want to do with this opportunity of life that you have been given before you leave? How will you prepare for death?

I hope this helps.

Everyone has different methods of self-growth, different approaches to life, and philosophies. Sometimes, someone that may be intent on following a certain path, or programme of self-development, may not see the limitations of that approach from the perspective of their spouse, who cannot follow the same programme, due to the limitations that they see, or issues with the approach.

I am not saying that this is your situation, but I have seen it in some cases. Be careful not to alienate your spouse in focusing upon your inner work, as marriage is also a part of that inner work. The challenges between two people are often what actually forces a person to grow, and to mature.

The danger comes if someone actively tries to undermine you. That is a totally different situation, and would call into question the foundation of the marriage, but if they are allowing you space, even though not actively on the same page as you, then you can work towards what you have in common as friends and allies.

There needs to be a balance between both people: both allowing some space for the way the other person is, while also bearing in mind each other's obligations.

Don't expect them to follow your programme - perhaps they have a viewpoint that could be beneficial to you, which you can't see at the moment.

These are just suggestions, as I don't know your personal situation.

I am sorry that you are having to go through this at your age. Firstly, you should not have to choose to stay with any parent. Being pressured to stay with one parent or another today constitutes as emotional abuse. If you have a good relationship with your father, then you are not under any obligation to stay with your mother. The fact that she is using religion to threaten you and coerce you into staying with her is disturbing, and implies possibly a history of emotional manipulation. There are now many helpful videos on youtube on how to handle emotional manipulation by parents, such as 'The Cra**y Childhood Fairy' and Jerry Wise. Emotional manipulation can damage a child for life, so you need to learn to make sense of what is happening to you and how you can handle it effectively in a way that maintains your self-protection and healthy mental and emotional growth.

It may not be Shaytan. You would need some evidence of that. It may be because, when you pray, sometimes you suspend the actively thinking part of your mind. Your mind relaxes in some sense. If you feel a yawn coming try to slow down in your actions slightly, close your mouth, breathe slowly in through your nose and regulate your breathing before continuing.

In both Hebrew and Arabic, the word 'yawm' means 'a period of time', not only 'a day' consisting of twenty-four hours.

In Semitic languages, numbers are also symbolic. E.g. 'Seventy' means 'many'.

'Six days' therefore really means 'a number of periods of time', or 'a number of stages'.

There is also a verse in the Qur'an that says that 'one day for your Lord is as 1000 years in the time that you count.' (22:47)

https://www.islamweb.net/en/article/134278/relativity-in-the-quran

Please feel free to message me for more information: info@onlineshiastudies.com

Family unity is of vital importance. It sounds like there may be other issues here - more than that of halal food - possibly issues of balance of power between your parents. Why would your mother not want to be with your father? Is your father respected in the family? Do you have a close bond with him?