Divorce: Prevention, Support & Solutions - Mental Health 7/7
As-salamu alaykum. I am Berak Hussain, the Muslim counselor. Divorce. It is happening within our communities at a frightening pace. The statistics show that over 50% of divorces or marriages end in divorces. Why is that happening? You ask different people, they will give you different opinions. When it comes from a social, counseling, and psychological perspective. Let's take a look at this.
So, people perhaps marry for the wrong reasons. They are madly in love with each other, and they don't look further down the line if their personalities actually connect, if they have the same values, if they have the same goals in life, they just love each other, they are connected, they want to get married, end of story. I see that a lot. It could be as simple as they no longer love each other. It could be because because they are not on the same pathway in the goals that they initially had. Could be that they don't connect anymore. Could be because they have different ways of wanting to raise the children, and it can definitely escalate to the level of abuse.
We know when it gets to that point, especially within our communities, it can be very sticky, it could be very challenging, and it could be very detrimental to the families, to the couple, and especially when there are children involved. But sometimes we need to go that route, and it becomes even more of challenge within our communities, because of the religious divorces that are involved, where women could be locked in, and not let go or have the freedom of remarrying because the man will not give the divorce. And so the woman is left to seek the divorce from different religious authorities, and that is a whole mess on its own, and can hugely impact the mental health of the women involved, the children involved, and the families.
What can we do to lower these high rates of divorce? Well, there is no actual solution, but there is certainly a number of things that we can try, and it is preventative rather than reactive measures. For example: premarital counseling. You have two young people in love. They just want to get married right away, but they don't realize that they need to finish possibly their school, or get settled in, and really get to know each other properly. By doing premarital counseling, the couple gets a chance to really explore who they are and what they are along with the person that is facilitating this. Now, once they are married and they run into challenges and problems, they can always go back to what they learn through premarital counseling, go back to the person who is helping facilitate this and work through it.
Part of the problem is we don't talk about this as well. When we are running into problems, we don't reach out to get support. We will sit and backbite and gossip and talk, but we won't get the actual hands-on solutions to work through these challenges, because a lot of marital problems can be worked through with the right support, whether it is from family, and I am talking about reasonable families, because sometimes there are family members that can exasperate and make this get out of hand. And also community supports, counseling supports.
And we have to work around that culture, again, of shame, because, again, family problems we are taught are not to be aired out for the community. And that is not what I'm talking about here. What I am suggesting is that we reach out to the support that we do have in place, but we can trust with confidentiality to get what we need to work through these challenges, because there are definitely challenges within the marriage institution where we can resolve without getting to the point of divorce.
As mentioned earlier, there are cases where it is necessary. In the case of abuse, whether it is a man or a husband or a father being abusive to the wife or the children, or, which we don't hear much about, but it is existing, and it is happening, where a woman is abusive towards her husband and towards her children as well. So, it is very important to understand when it gets to the level of abuse, when it gets to the level of marital affairs, when it gets to the level of where there is no going back and working together, especially when there are children involved because they are the huge victims.
They are the casualties of the war that happens between families and parents. There is a huge impact on these children in terms of what they are witnessing. Children of high conflict, marriages and divorces. There is a cycle that can really affect them if they don't have the right supports in place. And sometimes parents forget how this can affect the child. They forget how their conflict can really impact the children.
So these are really important to keep in mind, trusting the right people within the community for the supports to work through challenges. If these challenges cannot be agreed upon or work through, then you know what? Divorce is the option out there. Just because divorce is an option, it should not be abused itself. At the first sign of conflict with your partner, that is not a reason to divorce right away. As we were saying, communication is key. Getting the right support in place is key. Being aware and conscious of the fact that there are children involved and their overall mental well-being. It is so important to encompass all of these things so that these things so that we don't run to divorce right away.
But again, like we said, if abuse is a factor in this, divorce is an option. If people can no longer live together and have a healthy family life for their children, for themselves, it is an option to use. As-salamu alaykum.
